Why Me? d-5 Read online

  "Oh, yeah? How come?"

  "Well…" An uncharacteristic hesitancy came into Kelp's voice. "The fact of the matter is, I was burgled."

  "You were?"

  "You remember, my message on the machine said I wasn't home. What I figure, somebody called and heard me say I wasn't home, so he came right over and boosted some things."

  Dortmunder tried not to smile. "That's too bad," he said.

  "Including the answering machine," Kelp said.

  Dortmunder closed his eyes. He put his hand very tight over his mouth, and practically no sound at all came through.

  "I could get another one," Kelp went on, "you know, from my access, like I got the first one, but I figure—"

  Another voice, high-pitched and very loud, suddenly yelled, "Your father's a fairy! Your father's a fairy!"

  Dortmunder jerked away from the screaming phone, no longer distracted at all by the desire to laugh. Cautiously nearing the instrument again, he heard what seemed now to be three or four shrill childish voices, giving out with some sort of nursery rhyme or something, with words that sounded like, "Hasn't got a lump fish. Didn't do his dump dish. Make her get her plump wish—" Through which Kelp's voice could be heard yelling, "You kids get off that phone! You get away from there or I'll come up and getcha!"

  The nursery rhyme ended in giggles and cackles, stopping abruptly with a loud click. Dortmunder, enured by now, said into the phone, "You're gone, right?"

  "No, no, John!" Kelp sounded out of breath. "Don't hang up, I'm still here."

  "I don't really want to know what that was," Dortmunder said, "but I guess you'll tell me."

  "It's my roof phone," Kelp said.

  "Your roof phone? You live in an apartment house!"

  "Yeah, well, I like to go up on the roof," Kelp said, "when the sun's shining, catch a few rays on the bod. And I don't want to—"

  "Miss any calls," Dortmunder said.

  "That's right. So I ran a line up, a jack, I got a phone I can bring up there and plug it in. But I guess I musta forgot to bring it back down last night."

  "I guess you—"

  Click: "You've got stinky un-derwear, ding-gles in your pu-bic hair—"

  "Enough," said Dortmunder, and hung up and went away to the bathroom to brush the taste of his hand out of his mouth. And he was finishing breakfast half an hour later when the front doorbell rang, May answered, and Andy Kelp himself came into the kitchen, a wiry, bright-eyed, sharp-nosed fellow carrying a telephone. He seemed as cheerful as ever. "Whadaya say, John?"

  "Have some coffee," Dortmunder told him. "Have a beer."

  Kelp showed him the phone. "Your new kitchen phone," he said.

  "No," said Dortmunder.

  "Save you steps, save you time, save you energy." Kelp looked around the room. "Right there by the refrigerator," he decided.

  "I don't want it, Andy."

  "You'll never know how you got along without it," Kelp assured him. "I'll have it in place in fifteen minutes. You give it a trial period, a week, couple of weeks, then if you still don't like it I'll be happy—"

  Kelp went on talking as Dortmunder got to his feet, walked around the kitchen table, and took the phone out of his hands. Then Kelp stopped talking and looked on open-mouthed as Dortmunder carried the phone to the kitchen window and dropped it into the airshaft.

  "Hey!" said Kelp.

  "I told you—" (distant crash) " — I don't want it. Have some coffee."

  "Aw, John," Kelp said, coming over to look out the window. "That wasn't nice."

  "You got access, right? A whole warehouse. So what I'm doing, I'm making a point. You prefer beer?"

  "It's too early in the day," Kelp said, giving up on the phone. Turning away from the window, regaining his cheerful manner, he said, "I'll take the coffee."

  "Fine."

  Dortmunder was putting water on to boil when Kelp said, "D'jou hear the latest about that ruby?"

  Dortmunder's stomach instantly became paved with concrete. Watching the pot to see if it would boil, he cleared his throat and said, "Ruby?"

  "The Byzantine Fire. You know."

  "Sure," Dortmunder said. He put the spoon in the instant coffee jar, but it kept hitting against the sides and knocking all the coffee off—tink-tink-tink-tink—before he could get it out. In an effort to be devious, he said, "They found it?"

  "Not yet," Kelp said, "but they will. Very quick now."

  "Oh, yeah?" Dortmunder emptied the instant coffee jar into the cup and spooned all but one measure back; it was the only way he could do it. "How come is that?"

  "Cause we're helping," Kelp said.

  Dortmunder poured boiling water on the counter, on the floor, and into the cup. "We're helping? We're helping? Who's 'we're'?"

  "Us," Kelp explained. "Everybody. All the guys around."

  Cream and sugar would be beyond Dortmunder's capacity, and even Kelp might notice something was wrong if Dortmunder poured a quart of milk on the floor. "Do your own mixings," he said, and sat down at the kitchen table in front of his own coffee cup, which he didn't feel calm enough to pick up. "What guys around?" he asked.

  Kelp was rooting in the refrigerator for milk. "Tiny Bulcher's kind of running it," he said. "Him and some other guys, using Rollo's back room at the O.J."

  "At the O.J." Dortmunder felt an irrational but nevertheless poignant sense of personal betrayal. The back room at the O.J. used as the center of the hunt for him.

  "The heat just got too much," Kelp said, coming over to the table with his coffee. He sat to Dortmunder's left. "I myself got picked up twice. Once by the transit cops!"

  "Mm," said Dortmunder.

  "Now, you know me, John," Kelp said. "Normally I'm an easygoing kind of guy, but when I get hauled in for no good reason twice in one day, when I got to stand around being polite to transit cops, even I say enough is enough."

  "Mm mm," said Dortmunder.

  "The cops have been put wise," Kelp went on. "They'll ease off, for a little while."

  "The cops?"

  "Contact was made," Kelp explained, bringing the fingertips of both hands together over his coffee cup in illustration. "A kind of arrangement was worked out. It's to everybody's benefit. The cops ease off on their blitz, we all look around, we find the guy, we turn the guy and the stone over to the law, everybody's happy."

  Dortmunder pressed his elbows to his sides. "The guy? Turn over the guy?"

  "That's the deal," Kelp said. "Besides, with what he's put everybody through, that's the least he oughta get. Tiny Bulcher wants to turn him over in sections, one piece a week."

  "That seems kinda rough on the guy," Dortmunder said, as though casually. "I mean, he's just a fella like you and m-m-me, it was probably even just an accident, something like that."

  "You're too good, John," Kelp told him. "In your own way, you're a kind of a saint."

  Dortmunder looked modest.

  "I mean," Kelp said, "even you've been rousted, am I right?"

  "I spent a couple hours," Dortmunder forgivingly allowed, "at the precinct."

  "We all did," Kelp said. "This guy, whoever he is, he's made a lot of unnecessary trouble for everybody. What he should of done was leave the stone there."

  "Well, but—" Dortmunder stopped, trying to figure out how best to phrase what he wanted to say.

  "After all," Kelp went on, "no matter how dumb he is—and this guy is dumb, John, he's grade-A dumb—no matter how dumb he is, he had to know he couldn't sell any Byzantine Fire."

  "Maybe, uh…" Dortmunder had a brief coughing spell, then went on. "Maybe he didn't realize," he said.

  "Didn't realize he couldn't sell the Byzantine Fire?"

  "No, uh…Didn't realize that's what it was. Just took it along with, like, everything else. Found out too late."

  Kelp frowned. "John," he said, "have you seen in the papers the picture of this Byzantine Fire?"

  "No."

  "Well, let me describe it. See, it's about—"

 
"I know what it looks like."

  "Okay. So how dumb could—" Kelp broke off, looking at Dortmunder. "You know what it looks like? You said you didn't see it."

  "I did," Dortmunder said. "I remember, I did see it. On the, on the television."

  "Oh. So you know it doesn't look like something you buy the missus for Mother's Day. Anybody sees that rock, they're gonna know."

  "Maybe," Dortmunder said, "maybe he thought it was fake."

  "Then he wouldn't take it at all. No, this guy, whoever he is, he went into this thing with his eyes open, and now he's gonna get what he deserves."

  "Nn," said Dortmunder.

  Kelp got to his feet. "Come on along," he said.

  Dortmunder's left hand clutched the chairseat. "Come along? Come along where?"

  "Up to the O.J. We're all volunteering to help."

  "Help? Help? What kinda help?"

  "We're getting around and about, you know," Kelp said, making swimming motions with his arms, "we're finding out where everybody was Wednesday night. We can check out alibis better than the cops, you know."

  "Oh, yeah," Dortmunder said.

  "Wednesday night," Kelp said thoughtfully, while Dortmunder watched him in terror. Then Kelp grinned and said, "You got an alibi, all right. That's the night you did your little knockover, right?"

  "Ul," said Dortmunder.

  "Where was that, exactly?" Kelp asked.

  "Andy," Dortmunder said. "Sit down, Andy."

  "Ain't you finished your coffee? We oughta go, John."

  "Sit down a minute. I–I wanna tell you something."

  Kelp sat down, watching Dortmunder critically. "What's wrong, John? You look all weird."

  "A virus, maybe," Dortmunder said, and wiped his nose.

  "Wha'd you wanna tell me?"

  "Well…" Dortmunder licked his lips, looked at his old friend, and took his life in his hands. "The first thing," he said, "I'm sorry I dropped your phone out the window."

  25

  The five men seated around the kitchen table drank retsina and smoked Epoika cigarettes and spoke in guttural voices. Machine pistols hung on their chairbacks, dark shades covered the windows, and a small white plastic radio played salsa music to confound any bugging apparatus that might have been placed here by their enemies, of which there were many in this troubled old world, including the six men who abruptly crashed through the service stairwell door, brandishing their own machine pistols and in four languages ordering the men at the table not to move, nor speak, nor react in any way to their sudden appearance, lest they die like the dogs they were. The men at the table, wild-eyed and frozen, clutching their glasses and their cigarettes, muttered in three languages that the new arrivals were dogs, but made no other rejoinder.

  After the first few seconds, when it became apparent that the shooting of machine pistols was not to be the first item on anybody's agenda, a cautious kind of relaxation eased all those bodies and all those faces, and everybody moved on to whatever would happen next. While two of the intruders made determined but clumsy efforts to reclose the door they'd just demolished, their leader (known as Gregor) turned to the leader of the group at the table (code name Marko) and said, "We are here to negotiate with you dogs."

  Marko grimaced, scrinching up his eyes and baring his upper teeth: "What kind of debased language is that?"

  "I am speaking to you in your own miserable tongue."

  "Well, don't. It's painful to my ears."

  "No more than to my mouth."

  Marko shifted to the language he presumed to be native to the invaders: "I know where you're from."

  Gregor did his own teeth-baring grimace: "What was that, the sound of Venetian blinds falling off a window?"

  Speaking Arabic, another of the men at the table said, "Perhaps these are dogs from a different litter."

  "Don't talk like that," Marko told him. "Even we don't understand it."

  One of the invaders repairing the door said over his shoulder, in rotten German, "There must be a language common to us all."

  This seemed reasonable, to the few who understood it, and when it had been variously translated into several other tongues, it seemed reasonable to the rest as well. So the negotiation began with a wrangle over which language the negotiation would use, culminating in Gregor finally saying, in English, "Very well. We'll speak in English."

  Almost everybody on both sides got upset at that. "What," cried Marko, "the language of the Imperialists? Never!" But he cried this in English.

  "We all understand it," Gregor pointed out. "No matter how much we may hate it, English is the lingua franca of this world."

  After a bit more wrangling, mostly for the purpose of saving face, English was at last agreed upon as the language they would use, with the solemn understanding by all parties that the choice of English should not be considered to represent any political, ethnological, ideological, or cultural point of view. "Now," Gregor said, "we negotiate."

  "Negotiation," asked Marko, "comes from the barrel of a gun?"

  Gregor smiled sadly. "That thing hanging on your chair," he said, "is it your walking stick?"

  "Only a dog needs a gun for a crutch."

  "Fine," said Gregor, switching off the radio. "Your guns and our guns cancel each other. We can talk."

  "Leave the radio on," Marko said. "It's our defense against bugging."

  "It doesn't work," Gregor told him. "We've been bugging you from next door, with a microphone in that toaster. Also, I hate salsa music."

  "Oh, very well," Marko said, with bad grace. (The radio as a defense against bugging had been his idea.) To his compatriot opposite him across the table, he said, "Get up, Niklos, let this dog sit down."

  "Give my seat to a dog?" cried Niklos.

  "When you negotiate with a dog," Marko pointed out, "you permit the dog to sit."

  "Be careful, Gregor," one of the invaders said. "Watch where you sit, that dog may leave you fleas."

  The two repairman-invaders at last wedged the door shut and came over to the table. One of them said, "Did you ever notice how you don't get the same effect when you call somebody a dog in English?"

  One of the men at the table said, "The Northern peoples are cold. They put no fire in their tongues."

  Seating himself in Niklos' place at the table—Niklos sullenly leaned against the refrigerafor amid his enemies, arms folded—Gregor said, "We have been enemies in the past."

  "Natural enemies," the other said.

  "Agreed. And we shall be enemies again in the future."

  "God willing."

  "But at this moment, our requirements intersect."

  "Meaning?"

  "We want the same thing."

  "The Byzantine Fire!"

  "No. We want," Gregor corrected, "to find the Byzantine Fire."

  "It's all the same."

  "No, it's not. When we know where it is, we can contest properly for its possession. At that time, our desires shall again be in opposition, and we shall again be enemies."

  "From your lips to God's ear."

  "But so long as the Byzantine Fire is lost, we find ourselves, however uneasily, on the same side."

  There was general bristling at such an idea, until Marko raised his arms in a commanding gesture, as though calming a multitude from a balcony. "There is sense in what you say," he admitted.

  "Of course there is."

  "We are all aliens in this godless land, however many contacts we may have among the émigrés."

  "Émigrés," spat Gregor. "Petty merchants, buying aboveground swimming pools on the installment plan."

  "Exactly. You can force a man to fetch and carry and obey orders if you threaten him with the death of his grandmother in the old country, but you can't get him to think, to volunteer, to show you the inner workings of this debased and sensualist society."

  "Our experience precisely."

  "Strangers in a strange land would do well to combine their forces," Marko mused.

  "Wh
ich is just what I'm here to recommend. Now, we have made an initial exploratory contact with the police." (Gregor wore black corduroy trousers.) "And you have made initial exploratory contact with the New York underworld."

  Marko (it was his uncle who knew the landlord at the O.J.) looked surprised at that, and not at all pleased. "How do you know such a thing?"

  "Your toaster told us. The point is, we can complement one another's scanty intelligence, and we can be prepared to act decisively when the Byzantine Fire is found, and—"

  "Also the thief," Marko said.

  "We have no interest in the thief."

  "We do. For religious reasons."

  Gregor shrugged. "Then we'll turn him over to you. The main point is that, combining together, the chances of our finding the Byzantine Fire are much improved. Once it's found, of course, we can discuss the next step. Are you agreed?"

  Marko frowned around at his men. They looked tense and bony-cheeked and grim, but not violently opposed to the suggestion. He nodded. "Agreed," he said, and extended his hand.

  "May the souls of my ancestors understand and forgive this expediency," said Gregor, and grasped his enemy's hand.

  The phone rang.

  The men all stared at one another. The leaders wrenched their hands apart. Gregor hissed, "Who knows you're here?"

  "No one. What about you?"

  "No one."

  Getting to his feet, Marko said, "I'll deal with it." He crossed to the wall phone, unhooked the receiver, and said, "Allo?" The others watched him, saw his expression darken like the sky before a summer storm, saw it then redden (sailors take warning), saw it then look merely confused. "One moment," he told the phone, and turned to the others. "It's the Bulgarians," he said. "They've been bugging us from the basement, they heard everything, they say it makes perfect sense. They want to come up and join us."

  26

  "Gee muh knee" Kelp said, gazing at the Byzantine Fire.

  "Don't put it on," Dortmunder advised him. "I had a hell of a time getting it off."

  "Jeez," Kelp said. He just sat there in the living room, on Dortmunder's sofa, staring at the ruby and the sapphires and the gold all glittering away in his palm. "Holy shit," he said.