Collected Stories Read online

  Dortmunder browsed among the browsers, but mostly he was browsing for security. He saw the alarm system over the front door, a make and model he’d amused himself with in the past, and he smiled it a hello. He saw the locks on the doors at front and back, he saw the solid sheet metal–articulated gate that would ratchet down over the front window at night to protect the glass and to keep passersby from seeing any burglar who might happen to be inside, and eventually he saw the thick iron mesh on the small window in the unisex bathroom.

  What he didn’t see was the surveillance camera. A joint with this alarm and those locks and that gate would usually have a surveillance camera, either to videotape with a motion sensor or to take still pictures every minute or so. So where was it? There. Tucked away inside an apparent heating system grid high on the right wall. Dortmunder caught a glimpse of light reflecting off the lens, and it wasn’t until the next time he browsed by that he could figure out which way it pointed — diagonally toward the front entrance. So a person coming in from the back could avoid it without a problem.

  He went out the back way, past the tourists snacking at tables on the asphalt, and home.

  He didn’t like it. He wasn’t sure what it was, but something was wrong. He would have gone in and lifted a few pictures that first night, if he’d felt comfortable about it, but he didn’t. Something was wrong.

  Was it just that this was connected with Three Finger Gillie, from whom nothing good had ever flowed? Or was there something else that he just couldn’t put his finger on?

  It wasn’t the money. Gillie didn’t plan to rip off Dortmunder later on, or he’d have agreed to share the pie from the get–go. It was the publicity he wanted. And Dortmunder didn’t believe Gillie meant to double–cross him, turn him in to get himself some extra publicity, because it would be too easy to show they used to know each other in the old days, and Gillie’s being the inside man in the boost would be obvious.

  No, it wasn’t Gillie himself, at least not directly. It was something else that didn’t feel right, something having to do with that gallery.

  Of course, he could just forget the whole thing, take a walk. He didn’t owe Three Finger Gillie any favors. But if there was something wrong, was it a smart idea to walk away without at least finding out what was what? The third day, Dortmunder decided to go back to the gallery one more time, see if he could figure out what was bugging him.

  This time, he thought he’d walk in the parking entrance and go into the gallery from that side, to see what it felt like. The first thing he saw, at an outdoor cafe across the half–empty lot from the gallery, was Jim O’Hara, drinking a Diet Pepsi. At least, the cup was a Diet Pepsi cup.

  Jim O’Hara. A coincidence?

  O’Hara was a guy Dortmunder had worked with here and there, around and about, from time to time. They’d done some things together. However, they didn’t travel in the same circles on a regular basis, so how did it happen that Jim O’Hara was here, and not looking at the rear entrance to the Waspail Gallery?

  Dortmunder walked down the left side of the parking area, past the gallery (without looking at it), and when he was sure he’d caught O’Hara’s attention, he stopped, nodded as though he’d just decided on something, turned around and walked back out to the street.

  The remaining parts of the original Soho neighborhood included some bars. Dortmunder found one after a three–block walk, purchased a draft beer, took it to a booth and had sipped twice before O’Hara joined him, having traded his Diet Pepsi for a draft of his own. For greeting, he said, “He talked to you, too, huh?”

  “Three days ago,” Dortmunder said. “When’d he talk to you?”

  “Forty minutes ago. He’ll talk until somebody does it, I guess. How come you didn’t?”

  “Smelled wrong,” Dortmunder said.

  O’Hara nodded. “Me, too. That’s why I was sitting there, trying to figure it out.”

  Dortmunder said, “Who knows how many people he’s telling the story to.”

  “So we walk away from it.”

  “No, we can’t,” Dortmunder told him. “That’s what I finally realized when I saw you sitting over there.”

  O’Hara drank beer, and frowned. “Why can’t we just forget it?”

  “The whole thing hangs together,” Dortmunder said. “What got to me, in that gallery there, and now I know it, and it’s the answer to what’s wrong with this picture, is the security camera.”

  “What security camera?” O’Hara asked, and then said, “You’re right, there should have been one, and there wasn’t.”

  “Well, there was,” Dortmunder told him. “Tucked away in a vent thing on the wall. But the thing about a security camera, it’s always right out there, mounted under the ceiling, out where you can see it. That’s part of the security, that you’re supposed to know it’s there.”

  “Why, that son of a bitch,” O’Hara said.

  “Oops, wait a minute, I know that fella,” O’Hara said the next night, back in the gallery–facing parking lot. “Be right back.”

  “I’ll be here,” Dortmunder said as O’Hara rose to intercept an almost invisible guy approaching the gallery across the way, a skinny slinking guy in dark gray jacket, dark gray pants, black sneakers and black baseball cap worn frontward.

  Dortmunder watched the two not quite meet and then leave the parking area not quite together, and then for a while he watched tourists yawn at the tables around him until O’Hara and the other guy walked back together. They came to the table and O’Hara said, “Pete, John. John, Pete.”

  “Harya.”

  “That Three Finger’s something, isn’t he?” Pete said, and sat with them. Then he smiled up at the actor turned waiter who materialized before him like a genie out of a bottle. “Nothing for me, thanks, pal,” Pete said. “I’m up to here in Chicken McNuggets.”

  The actor shrugged and vanished, while Dortmunder decided not to ask for a definition of Chicken McNuggets. Instead, he said, “It was today he talked to you?”

  “Yeah, and I was gonna do it, that’s how bright I am,” Pete said. “Like the fella says, I get along with a little help from my friends, without whom I’d be asking for my old cell back.”

  O’Hara said, “Happy to oblige.” To Dortmunder he said, “Pete agrees with us.”

  Pete said, “And it’s tonight, am I right?”

  “Before he recruits an entire platoon,” Dortmunder said.

  O’Hara said, “Or before somebody actually does it.”

  For a second, it looked as though Pete might offer to shake hands all around. But he quelled that impulse, grinned at them instead and said, “Like the fella says, all for one and one for all and a sharp stick in the eye for Three Finger.”

  “Hear, hear,” O’Hara said.

  Three–fifteen in the morning. While O’Hara and Dortmunder waited in the car they’d borrowed out in Queens earlier this evening, Pete slithered along the storefronts toward the parking area entrance at the far end of the block. Halfway there, he disappeared into the shifting shadows of the night.

  “He moves nice,” Dortmunder said in approval.

  “Uh–huh,” O’Hara said. “Pete’s never paid to see a movie in his life.”

  They waited about five minutes, and then Pete appeared again, having to come almost all the way back to the car before he could catch their attention. In that time, a couple of cruising cabs had gone by on the wider cross–streets ahead and behind, but nothing at all had moved on this block.

  “Here’s Pete now,” O’Hara said, and they got out of the car and followed him back down to the parking area’s gates, which were kept locked at night, except for now. Along the way, speaking in a gray murmur, O’Hara asked, “Any trouble?”

  “Easy,” Pete murmured back. “Not as easy as if I could bust things up, but easy.”

  Pete had not, in fact, busted anything up. The gates looked as solidly locked as ever, completely untampered with, but when Pete gave a small push they swung right out of t
he way. The trio stepped through, Pete closed the gates again and here they were.

  Dortmunder looked around, and at night, with nobody here, this parking area surrounded by shut shops looked just like Three Finger’s paintings. Even the security lights in the stores were a little strange, a little too white or a little too pink. It was spooky.

  They’d agreed that Dortmunder, as the one who’d caught on to the scam, had his choice of jobs here tonight, and he’d picked the art gallery. It would be more work than the other stuff, more delicate, but it would also be more personal and therefore more satisfying. So the three split up, and Dortmunder approached the gallery, first putting on a pair of thin rubber gloves, then taking a roll of keys from his pocket. The other two, meantime, who were also now gloved, were taking pry bars and chisels from their pockets as they neared a pair of other shops.

  Dortmunder worked slowly and painstakingly. He wasn’t worried about the locks or the alarm system; they were nothing to get into a sweat over. But the point here was to do the job without leaving any traces, the way Pete had done the gate.

  The other two didn’t have such problems. Breaking into stores, the only thing they had to be careful about was making too much noise, since there were apartments on the upper floors here, among the chiropractors and psychic readers. But within that limitation, they made no attempt at all to be neat or discreet. Every shop door was mangled. Inside the shops, they peeled the faces off safes, they gouged open cash register tills and they left interior doors sagging from their hinges.

  Every shop in the compound was hit, the costume jewelry store and the souvenir shop and the movie memorabilia place and both antique shops and the fine–leather store and both cafes and the other art gallery. They didn’t get a lot from any one of these places, but they got something from each.

  Dortmunder meanwhile had gained access to the Waspail Gallery. Taking the stainless–steel girl’s chair from the cherrywood table, he carried it over to the grid in the wall concealing the security camera, climbed up on the chair and carefully unscrewed the grid, being sure not to leave any scratches. The grid was hinged at the bottom; he lowered it to the wall, looked inside, and the camera looked back at him. A motion sensor machine, it had sensed motion and was now humming quietly to itself as it took Dortmunder’s picture.

  That’s OK, Dortmunder thought, enjoy yourself. While you can.

  The space was a small oblong box built into the wall, larger than a shoebox but smaller than a liquor store carton. An electric outlet was built into its right side, with the camera plugged into it. Dortmunder reached past the lens, pulled the plug and the camera stopped humming. Then he figured out how to move this widget forward on the right side of the mounting — tick — and the camera lifted right off.

  He brought the camera down and placed it on the floor, then climbed back up on the chair to put the grid in its original place. Certain he’d left no marks on it, he climbed down, put the chair where it belonged and wiped its seat with his sleeve.

  Next, the tapes. There would be tapes from this camera, probably two a day. Where would they be?

  The cherrywood table’s drawer was locked, and that took a while, leaving no marks, and then the tapes weren’t there. A closet was also locked and also took a little while, and turned out to be full of brooms and toilet paper and a bunch of things like that. A storeroom was locked, which by now Dortmunder found irritating, and inside it were some folding chairs and a folding table and general party supplies and a ladder, and stuff like that, and a tall metal locker, and that was locked.

  All right, all right, it’s all good practice. And inside the metal locker were 12 tapes. At last. Dortmunder brought out from one of his many jacket pockets a plastic bag from the supermarket, into which went the tapes. Then he locked his way back out of the locker and the storeroom, and added the camera to the plastic bag. Then he locked his way out of the gallery, and there were O’Hara and Pete, in a pool of shadow, carrying their own full plastic bags, waiting for him.

  “Took you a while,” O’Hara said.

  Dortmunder didn’t like to be criticized. “I had to find the tapes,” he said.

  “As the fella says, time well spent,” Pete assured him.

  Dortmunder’s faithful companion, May, came home from her cashier’s job at the supermarket the next evening to say, “That fellow you told me about, that Martin Gillie, he’s in the newspaper.” By which, of course, she meant the Daily News.

  “That’s called ink,” Dortmunder informed her.

  “I don’t think so,” she said, and handed him the paper. “This time, I think it’s called felony arrest.”

  Dortmunder smiled at the glowering face of Three Finger Gillie on page five of the News. He didn’t have to read the story, he knew what it had to say.

  May watched him. “John? Did you have something to do with that?”

  “A little,” he said. “See, May, when he told me that all he wanted was publicity, it was the truth. It was a stretch for Three Finger to tell the truth, but he pulled it off. But his idea was, every day he talks another ex–con into walking through that gallery, looking it over for maybe a burglary. He’s going to do that every day until one of those guys actually robs the place. Then he’s going to show what a reformed character he is by volunteering to look at the surveillance tapes. ‘Oh, there’s a guy I used to know!’ he’ll say, feigning surprise. ‘And there’s another one. They must of all been in it together.’ Then the cops roust us all, and one of us actually does have the stolen paintings, so we’re all accomplices, so we all go upstate forever, and there’s steady publicity for Three Finger, all through the trials and the appeals, and he’s this poster boy for rehabilitation, and he’s got ink, he’s on television day and night, he’s famous, he’s successful, and we probably deserved to go upstate anyway.”

  “What a rat,” May said.

  “You know it,” Dortmunder agreed. “So we couldn’t just walk away, because we’re on those tapes, and we don’t know when somebody else is gonna pull the job. So if we have to go in, get the tapes, we might as well make some profit out of it. And give a little zing to Three Finger while we’re at it.”

  “They decided it was him pretty fast,” she said.

  “His place was the only one not hit,” Dortmunder pointed out to May. “So it looks like the rehabilitation didn’t take after all, that he just couldn’t resist temptation.”

  “I suppose,” she said.

  “Also,” he said, “you remember that little postcard with his painting that I showed you but I wouldn’t let you touch?”

  “Sure. So?”

  “Myself,” Dortmunder said, “I only held it by the edges, just in case. The last thing we did last night, I dropped that postcard on the floor in front of the cash register in the leather store. With his fingerprints all over it. His calling card, he said it was.”

  FUGUE FOR FELONS

  ___________________

  John Rumsey, a short blunt man with the look of a one–time contender about him, was eating his breakfast — maple syrup garnished with French toast — when his faithful companion June looked up from her Daily News to say, “Isn’t Morry Calhoun a friend of yours?”

  “I know him,” Rumsey admitted; that far he was willing to go.

  “Well, they arrested him,” June said.

  “He made the paper?” In Rumsey’s world, there was nothing worse than reading your own name in the newspaper, particularly the Daily News, which all one’s friends also read.

  “It’s a little piece,” June said, “but there’s a picture of the car in the bank, and then his name caught my eye.”

  “The car in the bank?”

  “Police,” June told him, “came across Morry Calhoun last night, breaking into the Flatbush branch of Immigration Trust. A high–speed chase from Brooklyn to Queens ended when Calhoun crashed his car into the Sunnyside branch of Immigration Trust.”

  “Well, he’s got brand loyalty anyway,” Rumsey said.

>   “They’re holding him without bail,” June went on.

  “Yeah, they do that,” agreed Rumsey. “It’s kind of an honor, in a way, but it’s also confining. There’s a picture of this car in this bank?”

  June passed the paper over her plate of dry toast and his bowl of wet syrup, and Rumsey looked at a picture of the ass end of an Infiniti sticking out of the front of a branch bank that had been mostly glass until Calhoun arrived.

  “The car was stolen,” June said.

  “Sure, it would be,” Rumsey said, and squinted at the photo. “Bank’s closed.”

  “Naturally,” June said. “Until they fix the front.”

  “You know,” Rumsey said, “it might be a good idea, wander out there, see is there anything lying around.”

  “Don’t get in trouble,” June advised.

  “Me? I’ll just call Algy,” Rumsey decided, getting to his feet, “see would he like to take a train ride.”

  But there was no answer at Algy’s place.

  Algy, in fact, a skinny sharp–nosed guy, was already on the subway, heading back toward Manhattan from Queens after a night of very little success at breaking and entering. He’d broken, all right, and he’d entered, but everywhere he went, the occupant had just moved out, or had a dog, or didn’t have anything at all. It could be a discouragement at times.

  About the only thing Algy scored, in fact, other than half a liverwurst on rye in Saran Wrap in a refrigerator in Queens, was a Daily News some other passenger had left behind on the seat. He glanced through it, saw the picture of the car in the bank, recognized Morry Calhoun’s name, got off at the next stop, and took the first train going the other way.

  Big Hooper was called Big because he was big. You could say he looked like an elephant in sweats, or an Easter Island statue no longer buried up to the neck, but what he mostly looked like was the Chicago Bears front line — not a lineman, the line.