Why Me? d-5 Read online

  "Then my face lies," Arnie said, sitting across the table. "I feel like shit. I been farting a lot. That's why I keep this window open, otherwise you'd faint when you walked in here."

  "Ah," said Dortmunder.

  "Not that a whole hell of a lot of people do walk in here," Arnie said. "People don't want to know me, I'm such a pain in the ass. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

  "Uh," said Dortmunder.

  "I read things sometimes in the Sunday News—Do Your Friends Think You're A Turd? shit like that—I follow the advice three four days, maybe a week, but my own rotten self always comes through in the end. I could see you in a bar today, I could buy you a beer, talk about your problems, ask questions about your livelihood, express an interest in your personality, and tomorrow you'd go to a different bar."

  That was undoubtedly true. "Uh," repeated Dortmunder, that being the most noncommittal sound he knew how to make.

  "Well, you already know all this," Arnie said. "The only reason you'll put up with me, I give good dollar. And I gotta give good dollar or I'd never see anybody. There's people right now in this city go to Stoon even though he gives a worse dollar—they'll take smaller cash just so they don't have to sit and talk with Arnie."

  Dortmunder said, "Stoon? Which Stoon is this?"

  "Even you," Arnie said. "Now you want Stoon's address."

  Dortmunder did. "No, I don't, Arnie," he said. "We got a good relationship." Trying to change the subject, he took the plastic bag out of his pocket and emptied the goods onto the schoolchildren. "This is the stuff," he said.

  Reaching for it, Arnie said, "Good relationship? I don't have a good relationship with any—"

  There was a sudden loud knocking at the door. In relief, Dortmunder said, "See? There's somebody come to visit."

  Arnie frowned. He yelled over at the door, "Who is it?"

  A loud, firm voice yelled back, "Police, Arnie! Open up!"

  Arnie gave Dortmunder a look. "My friends," he said. Getting to his feet, slowly strolling toward the door, he yelled, "Whadajou people want?"

  "Open it up, Arnie! Don't keep us waiting!"

  Methodically, Dortmunder scooped the jewelry back into the plastic bag. Standing, he put the plastic bag in his jacket pocket and, as Arnie opened the door to the cops, Dortmunder stepped into the bedroom (girlie calendars, from gas stations and coal companies). Behind him, Arnie was saying, "What now?"

  "Just a little chat, Arnie. You alone?"

  "I'm always alone. Do I know you? You're Flynn, aren't you? Who's this guy?"

  "This is Officer Rashab, Arnie. You happen to have any stolen goods in your possession?"

  "No. You happen to have a search warrant in yours?"

  "Would we need one, Arnie?"

  There was no fire escape outside this room. Dortmunder pressed his forehead against the window, looked down, and saw it was no good.

  "You guys'll do what you wanna do anyway. You've tossed this place yourself before, you know that. And all you ever got was dirty socks."

  "Maybe we'll be luckier this time."

  "Depends how you feel about dirty socks."

  Dortmunder stepped into the bathroom. (Horse-print and hunting-scene calendars.) No window, only a small exhaust grid. Dortmunder sighed and stepped back into the bedroom.

  "I got enough dirty socks of my own, Arnie. Get into your coat."

  "I'm going somewhere?"

  "We're having a party."

  Dortmunder stepped into the closet. (Aubrey Beardsley calendars.) It smelled very badly of dirty socks. He pushed through the coats and pants and sweaters and pressed his back against the wall. The voices came closer.

  "I went to a party once. They made me go home after twenty minutes."

  "Maybe that'll happen this time, too."

  The closet door opened. Arnie, disgusted, looked past coat shoulders at Dortmunder's eyes. "My friends," he said.

  Behind him, the talking cop said, "What's that?"

  "You're my friends," Arnie said, taking a coat out of the closet. "You're my only friends in the world." He shut the closet door.

  "We take an interest in you," said the talking cop.

  The voices receded. The front door slammed. Dortmunder sighed, which he immediately regretted, because it involved taking a deep breath full of dirty socks. He opened the closet door, leaned out, breathed, and listened. Not a sound. He left the closet, shaking his head, and went back into the living room.

  All alone. And the funny thing was, the cops seemed to have picked Arnie up just for the hell of it. "Hmmm," Dortmunder said.

  There was a phone on the end table beside the sofa. Dortmunder sat down there, said, "Stoon," and dialed Andy Kelp's number. "If I get that machine…"

  The phone rang twice and a girl answered: "Hello?" She sounded young and pretty. All girls who sound young sound pretty, which has led to some unfortunate later discoveries in this life.

  Dortmunder said, "Uhhh—Is Andy there?"

  "Who?"

  "Did I dial wrong? I'm looking for Andy Kelp."

  "No, I'm sorry, I—Oh!"

  "Oh?"

  "You mean Andy!"

  So it wasn't a wrong number, it was a dummy. Here was this girl in Kelp's apartment, answering Kelp's phone, and it was taking her a long long time to realize the call was for Kelp. "That's right," Dortmunder said. "I mean Andy."

  "Oh, I guess he didn't turn it off," she said.

  Then Dortmunder knew. He didn't know what, exactly, not yet, but in a general sort of way he knew. And it wasn't this girl's fault, it was Kelp's fault. Naturally. Apologizing to the girl in his head for his previous bad thoughts about her, he said, "Didn't turn what off?"

  "See, I just met Andy last night," she said. "In a bar. My name's Sherri?"

  "Aren't you sure?"

  "Sure I'm sure. Anyway, Andy told me about all these wonderful telephone gadgets he had, and we went to his place and he showed them to me, and then he said he'd show me the phone-ahead gadget. So he put this little box on his phone, all set up with my home phone number, and then we came over here to my place to wait for somebody to call him, because then it would ring here instead of there, and he wouldn't miss any calls."

  "Uh-huh."

  "But nobody ever called."

  "That's a shame," said Dortmunder.

  "Yeah, isn't it? So then he left this morning, but I guess he forgot to take the box off his phone when he got home."

  "He called me this morning."

  "I guess he can call out, but if you call in it gets transferred here."

  "You live near him?"

  "Oh, no, I'm way over here on the East Side. Near the Queensboro Bridge."

  "Ah," said Dortmunder. "And any time I happen to dial Andy Kelp's phone number, his phone won't ring, but yours will, way over there by the Queensboro Bridge."

  "Gee, I guess that's right."

  "He probably won't hear that phone of yours when it rings, will he? Not even if you open your windows."

  "Oh, no, he couldn't possibly."

  "That's what I figured," Dortmunder said. Very very gently, he hung up.

  10

  Chief Inspector Francis Xavier Mologna (pronounced Maloney) of the New York City Police Department and Agent Malcolm Zachary of the Federal Bureau of Investigation loved one another imperfectly. They were of course on the same side in the war between the forces of order and the forces of disorder, and they would of course cooperate fully with one another whenever that war might find them both engaged on the same field of battle, and they did of course deeply admire one another's branch of service in this war as well as respect one another individually as long-term professionals. Apart from which, each thought the other was an asshole.

  "The man's an asshole," Mologna told Leon, his nigger faggot secretary, when the latter entered the former's office to announce the arrival of the aforesaid.

  "A reigning asshole," Leon agreed. "But he's in my office and he'd rather be in yours, and I too would r
ather he was in yours."

  "A rainin asshole? Is that one of your disgustin faggot perversions?"

  "Yes," said Leon. "Shall I send him in?"

  "If he's still there," Mologna said hopefully.

  He was still there. In fact, at that very instant, in the outer office, Agent Zachary was saying, "The man's an asshole, Bob," to his partner, Freedly.

  "But still we have to cooperate with him, Mac," Freedly said.

  "I know that. I just want to go on record with you, off the record, that the man's an asshole."

  "Agreed."

  Leon opened the connecting door, smiled coquettishly at the two FBI men, and said, "Inspector Mologna will see you now."

  At his desk Mologna grumbled, "I'll never be able to see that asshole," then smiled and heaved to his feet and presented his hand and his beer belly and his beaming face in the direction of Zachary and Freedly as they entered. Hands were shaken as Leon exited, shutting the door.

  Zachary gestured at the windows behind Mologna's desk. "Magnificent view."

  It was. "Yes, it is," Mologna said.

  "Brooklyn Bridge, isn't it?"

  It was. "Yes, it is," Mologna said.

  So much for small talk. Zachary took one of the brown leather chairs facing the desk (Freedly took the other) and said, "So far as we can tell, the Greeks don't have it."

  "Of course they don't," Mologna said, dropping back into his padded high-back swivel chair. "I said so this mornin. Hold on just a minute." And he pressed a button on his intercom, then looked at the door.

  Which opened. Leon said, "You want me?"

  "You might as well take notes."

  "I'll get my little pad."

  Zachary and Freedly exchanged a glance. There was something funny about that secretary.

  Leon entered, shut the door, sashayed to his little chair in the corner, prettily crossed his legs, perched his notebook on the upper knee, poised his pen, and looked expectantly at everybody.

  "As I was sayin," Mologna said (Leon did quick squiggly shorthand), "I said this mornin—"

  Zachary said, "You'll copy to me, won't you?"

  "— the—What?"

  Zachary nodded at Leon. "The notes of the meeting."

  "Certainly. Leon? Copy for the FBI."

  "Oh, absolutely," Leon said.

  Leon and Mologna exchanged a glance.

  Zachary and Freedly exchanged a glance.

  Mologna said, "As I was sayin, I said this mornin this ruby ring wasn't taken by any of your foreign political types. It's—"

  "That appears," Zachary said, "to be true at least in the case of the Greek Cypriot underground. We have good penetration in most of their organizations, and the word to us is, they don't have it."

  "That's what I've been sayin."

  "Which leaves the Turks and the Russians."

  "And the Armenians," Freedly added.

  "Thank you, Bob, you're absolutely right."

  "It also leaves," Mologna said, "a nice homegrown burglar, ancestry as yet undetermined."

  "Of course," Zachary said, "there is always that possibility. At the Bureau—and I've discussed this now with sog—and our feeling—"

  Mologna said, "Sog?"

  "Seat of Government," Zachary explained. "That's what we call the main Bureau headquarters in Washington."

  "Seat of Government," Mologna echoed. He and Leon exchanged a glance.

  "Abbreviated, S, O, G, pronounced sog. And our feeling is, the likelihood still remains upmost for a politically motivated removal."

  "Theft."

  "Technically, of course, it is a theft."

  "With a thief," Mologna said.

  "Frankly," Zachary said, "I hope—and I'm sure the Bureau hopes—you turn out to be right."

  "All the fellas down there at sog."

  Zachary frowned a bit. Was Mologna being sardonic? It didn't seem possible, from a man with such a bad Long Island accent and such a big, big stomach. "That's right," he said. "And it would be much simpler and easier if in fact it is merely a domestic burglar. One of our problems otherwise is diplomatic immunity."

  "Diplomatic immunity?" Mologna shook his head, his expression determined. "This isn't some parkin ticket, man. There's no immunity from grand larceny."

  Zachary and Freedly exchanged a glance. Zachary explained, "Most of these organizations—terrorist groups, nationalist cells, rebel conclaves—have linkages to one or another standing government. Which gives them access to diplomatic pouches. Baggage leaving any of the various UN missions or the foreign consulates and embassies here in New York and in Washington, it all goes through unchecked and unsearched. That's the diplomatic immunity I'm talking about. Anything at all can go in or out of this country in a diplomatic pouch and no one the wiser."

  "We're very lucky," Freedly added, "that the original group involved in the raid at the airport had already been disavowed by the Greek government, forcing them to find an alternate method for smuggling the ring out of the country."

  "And you're also lucky," Mologna told him, "that what we're lookin for this time is just some local hooligan."

  "We'd prefer to be that fortunate," Zachary agreed. "Do you have any hard evidence at the moment to support your theory?"

  "Hard evidence? That bit of wire bypassin the alarm box, how's that for evidence? The door bein jimmied that—"

  "Yes, yes," Zachary said, raising a hand to stem the flow. "I remember all that from the meeting this morning. I meant since then."

  Mologna and Leon exchanged a glance. Mologna said, "It's been at best two hours since that meetin. We're good, Mr. Zachary, but nobody's that good."

  Zachary and Freedly exchanged a glance. Zachary said, "But you have taken steps."

  "Of course I've taken steps. We're talkin to our informants, we're arrestin every known criminal in the five boroughs, we're puttin pressure on the entire underworld." Mologna nodded in self-satisfaction. "It won't take long. We'll get results."

  "How soon, do you suppose? If you're right, that is."

  "If I'm right?" Mologna and Leon exchanged a glance. "Two days, three days. I'll keep you informed of progress."

  "Thank you. Meantime, we'll pursue the alternate theory that the ring's disappearance has a political basis, and of course we'll be delighted to keep you informed of our progress."

  Mologna and Leon exchanged a glance. Mologna said, "Progress. On the international front."

  Zachary and Freedly exchanged a glance. Zachary said, "Yes. On the international front."

  "The Armenians," Freedly added, "are looking particularly interesting."

  Mologna looked particularly interested. "Are they, now?"

  Zachary nodded. "Bob's right," he said. "Nationalists without a current nation do tend to go to extremes. The Moluccans, for instance. Palestinians."

  "Puerto Ricans," added Freedly.

  "To an extent," agreed Zachary.

  Mologna and Leon exchanged a glance.

  Zachary got to his feet. (Freedly followed suit.) "Interagency cooperation," Zachary said, "is so important in a matter like this."

  Mologna heaved to his feet, resting his beer belly on the desktop. "We couldn't possibly succeed without it," he said. "I'm very happy to have you fellows aboard in this little burglary case."

  "We feel the same way," Zachary assured him. "In such a delicate international affair, we're delighted to have such able and willing cooperation at the local level."

  Hands were shaken. Leon drew a little caricature of Freedly, wearing pendant earrings. The federal agents made their departure, closing the door behind themselves.

  "The man's an asshole," Zachary and Mologna said to Freedly and Leon.

  11

  Dortmunder brought home a Whopper from the Burger King, opened a can of beer, and started phoning around. The first several guys he called weren't home. Then he reached one fellow's wife, who said, "Jack's in jail."

  "In jail? Since when?"

  "Since about half an hour ago. I ju
st put the soufflé in the oven and in walk these cops. So much for lunch."

  "Wha'd they grab him for?"

  "Practice. Took him in for questioning, is all. They don't have a thing on him and they know it."

  "So they'll have to let him go."

  "Sure. And here I am with cold, soggy soufflé. It's just harassment, that's all."

  "Listen," Dortmunder said. "What I wanted to ask Jack is, does he know the address of a fellow called Stoon. Would you maybe know it?"

  "Stoon? Oh, I think I know who you mean, but I don't know where he lives."

  "Oh. Okay."

  "Sorry."

  "Tsokay. Sorry about Jack."

  "It's the soufflé I feel sorry for."

  The next two guys weren't home, but the one after that was. He was home, and he was mad. "I just been to the precinct," he said. "They had me there two hours."

  "For what?"

  "Questioning, they call it. Bullshit is what I call it. They're grabbing people all over the city."

  "What is it, a stunt?"

  "No, it's that ruby, the one got knocked over out to Kennedy last night. That's what they're looking for, and they're squeezing hard. I never seen nothing like it."

  "It's real valuable, huh?"

  "I don't know, Dortmunder, I don't think that's it. Valuable things get stolen, am I right? That's what they're for. I mean, it happens a lot. I mean, you wouldn't go out to steal apple cores."

  "So what's the point?"

  "Beats me. This ruby's important somehow. It's got the law very agitated."

  "It'll blow over," Dortmunder said. "What I'm calling about, do you know a guy named Stoon?"

  "Stoon. Yeah."

  "Do you have an address?"

  "On Perry Street, in the Village. Twenty-one, I think, maybe twenty-three. His name's on the bell."

  "Thanks."

  "I'll tell you one thing. I'm glad I'm not the guy boosted that ruby. The heat is intense."